In an exclusive interview, TTD has learned that Muirfield will open its doors to female members immediately aften the 2013 British Open. This shock move has left many members dumfounded.
"I am dumfounded," one old fart is reported as saying. "This country has gone to the dogs!" he continued. "First there was that Queen Elizabeth I, then Eastern Europeans and now women in golf clubs?!"
When the old fart was told that up and down the country, indeed around the world, women have been allowed to join other golf clubs he spontaneously combusted on the spot. Where once there was a antiquated old fool in plus-fours, there now remains nothing more than a pair of smoldering 1943 rubber Dunlop spikes and a chargrilled toupee.
"This is a historic time for us here at Muirfield," one employee is reported as saying. "Finally we are ready to acknowledge the existence of women. Of course, they should not speak unless spoken to and bare ankles will result in them being stoned in the practice bunker, but these are minor losses of liberty when you consider that we offer them the joys of golf."
Speculation about who the likely first candidates for female members at Muirfield has been bouncing of the club-house walls for weeks. Would it be Tilda Swinton or Sheena Easton? Speculation ended today during an exclusive interview with TTD.
"It is with feelings of deep shame that we today openly acknowledge the 123 years of sexism that this golf club has tolerated and encouraged. That is our past, but our future will be met and secured with a new modern attitude, and it is with this new modern attitude that Muirfield Golf Club welcomes Dame Edna as its first legitimate female member," a yellow-toothed committee member told TDD.
When TTD told the committee member that Dane Edna was a man, and in fact already a paying member, the committee broke into a serious debate about whether, as she was really a man, Dame Edna would be permitted to show her ankles. The debate ended several days later with another official, modern announcement, "Muirfield will be ready to open its doors to the homosexualings 2032."
Sadly, on hearing the announcement read out loud everybody on the grounds of Muirfield, baring 57 homosexual men who had successfully hidden their sexuality behind cigar smoke and innuendo, spontaneously combusted. Where once there was bigotry disguised as tradition, now there are rainbow-striped golf balls and baby seats in the buggies.
When pushed by TTD for a quote Dame Edna said, "Fore left, possums!"