Taking the Divot Exclusives

  • Muirfield Golf Club caves to pressure and allows female members

    In an exclusive interview, TTD has learned that Muirfield will open its doors to female members immediately aften the 2013 British Open. This shock move has left many members dumfounded.

    "I am dumfounded," one old fart is reported as saying. "This country has gone to the dogs!" he continued. "First there was that Queen Elizabeth I, then Eastern Europeans and now women in golf clubs?!"

    When the old fart was told that up and down the country, indeed around the world, women have been allowed to join other golf clubs he spontaneously combusted on the spot. Where once there was a antiquated old fool in plus-fours, there now remains nothing more than a pair of smoldering 1943 rubber Dunlop spikes and a chargrilled toupee.

    "This is a historic time for us here at Muirfield," one employee is reported as saying. "Finally we are ready to acknowledge the existence of women. Of course, they should not speak unless spoken to and bare ankles will result in them being stoned in the practice bunker, but these are minor losses of liberty when you consider that we offer them the joys of golf."

    Speculation about who the likely first candidates for female members at Muirfield has been bouncing of the club-house walls for weeks. Would it be Tilda Swinton or Sheena Easton? Speculation ended today during an exclusive interview with TTD.

    "It is with feelings of deep shame that we today openly acknowledge the 123 years of sexism that this golf club has tolerated and encouraged. That is our past, but our future will be met and secured with a new modern attitude, and it is with this new modern attitude that Muirfield Golf Club welcomes Dame Edna as its first legitimate female member," a yellow-toothed committee member told TDD.

    When TTD told the committee member that Dane Edna was a man, and in fact already a paying member, the committee broke into a serious debate about whether, as she was really a man, Dame Edna would be permitted to show her ankles. The debate ended several days later with another official, modern announcement, "Muirfield will be ready to open its doors to the homosexualings 2032."

    Sadly, on hearing the announcement read out loud everybody on the grounds of Muirfield, baring 57 homosexual men who had successfully hidden their sexuality behind cigar smoke and innuendo, spontaneously combusted. Where once there was bigotry disguised as tradition, now there are rainbow-striped golf balls and baby seats in the buggies.

    When pushed by TTD for a quote Dame Edna said, "Fore left, possums!"

  • 'Perfect Kiss' putter technology to rival Odyssey's Versa in 2014

    Odyssey, the #1 Putter in Golf, will face new competition in 2014 as several putter manufactirers release new technologies that aim to knock Odyssey's 'Straigt Line Technology' of the top putter spot.

    "What Odyssey did with their Versa Straight Line Technology was genius," the design engineer of the #2 putter in golf told TTD earlier today. "We know that alignment is an issue and sometimes we are not ligned up as we should be. The top of the putter face, a straight line in and of itself, is not always square to target. What Odyssey did was add another straight line, square to the top line of the putter face but just half an inch back. It solved everything. Genius."

    The design engineer for the #3 putter in golf elaborated, "The straight line in and of itself was not the genius part. Anybody could have come up with the straight line. But adding the word 'technology' to the end of the description of this straight line? It was MasterCard, if you know what I mean?" 

    Genius the straight line may be, but, if #2 and #3 putters in golf have their way, it will turn out to be a kick in the balls of a hornets nest for Odyssey, as it seems to be their own Straight Line Technology that has brought other putter manufacturers off the benches and into the putter technology fight.

    "We're launching 'Perfect Kiss Putter Technology' in 2014 to directly target the Odyssey Versa range," said #2. "Basically what we have is a lipstick kiss on the putter face and when it makes contact with the ball, well, it kisses it. The ball is tantilised into the hole. Everyone's a winner. Sales go through the roof. Boom! In ya face Odyssey."

    The #3 putter in golf is also getting in the fight with a new technology release expected anytime soon.

    "Our technology is in place and ready to go," the #3 putter in golf told TTD. "We don't know what it looks like yet or what it really does. But as soon as we have settled on the name, right now we are back and forth with 'Emperor's Robe Technology' or 'Straight Face Technology', as soon as a decision is made on the name we will launch. The only thing I can say for certain at this point is that when we do launch balls will be dropping in holes. So, eyes peels for that!"

    This comment prompted TTD to ask if the #3 putter in golf was considering a 'Ball in Hole Technology'?

    "SHHHHHH!" the #3 putter in golf spat. "Of course we are looking at 'Ball in Hole Technology'. Of course we are. But it is not as easy as it sounds and the technology will not be ready until 2017."

    Odyssey declined to speak to TTD about their next putter technology release, but a sales rep was overheard in a local proshop saying, "Talking of 'fish' and 'barrels', we just registered the trademark, 'The only putter in golf' and HQ is gonna put the full weight of our resources into suing any manufacturer who infringes on this."

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  • USGA flies shrinks to US OPEN to handle 'Post-Merion Stress Disorders'

    Taking the Divot has learned that, in light of the torture and stress of the US Open at Merion Golf Club, the USGA has flown in 4 shrinks to handle potential 'Post-Merion Stress Disorders'. The 73-strong field will each get five minutes with a shrink immediately after signing their scorecards.

    “Our eyes are open,” Glen Nagar, President of the USGA, told TTD earlier this afternoon. “We can see what’s going on out there, and when we heard Phil Mickelson weeping “Oh no! Oh no!” on the 5th tee we knew it was pretty serious.

    We are not stupid. We knew that potentially we would experience more emotion in the scorecard hut than we’re used too. But it wasn’t until players starting coming off the course and into hut that we really began to understand that we were neck deep in stuff you don’t want to be neck deep in. As well as quivering and drooling, mothers were mentioned.”

    Sceptics and several players already drinking whiskey in the clubhouse are suggesting that this radical move by the USGA is a preventative measure against a tsunami of lawsuits. TTD has been able to have this rumour confirmed by at least one source who wished to remain anonymous.

    “If they think they can put me through this shit and still take away my 49-inch Scotty Cameron Kombi-S prototype putter they are out of their mother-fucking minds!”

    When asked whether the shrinks were a pre-emptive measure against emotional distress lawsuits Glen Nagar said, “BOBBYCOCK! We are doing what we need to do for our players, and it doesn’t stop in the scorecard hut. As well the 5 minute post round sessions we have negotiated discounted rates for those players who want to continue therapy for up to 3 years after the US Open at Merion.”

     

    For those who wish to take a different path of action, TTD has this valuable resource: http://www.wikihow.com/Sue-for-Emotional-Distress

  • Puma Golf Refuse to Fall Fowl to Nike Supremacy

    While PING and Titleist and Callaway continue to get beaten by Nike in the fight for market dominance, we at TTD have learned that Puma Golf will not play Nike’s game any more. Refusing to fight for scraps in an already overcrowded and highly competitive market place, Puma has announced that as far as they are concerned, Nike is welcome to the market as it exists today. Going forward, PUMA will target an entirely new segment, and plan to leverage the appeal of their brand ambassador, Rickie Fowler, to attain 100% loyalty.

    “Playing on Rickie's cuteness factor, we are launching a range of Rickie Fowler dolls to help us bring a new segment to the game of golf." David Abbott, Marketing Director for Puma Golf told TTD. "Our aim for the rest of 2013 is to use the first three dolls to lure girls between the age of 14 to 18 out of the malls and onto the golf course. In 2014 we will target moms with the release of three new dolls, and then in 2014 boys between the ages of 4 and 6 will get their own line of Finger Fowlers.” 

    Puma will launch the range of Rickie Fowler dolls to coincide with the 2013 Masters. Opening the range with the 'Final Round Rickie', 'Fairway Fowler' and 'Friday Night Fowler', the dolls will retail for $24.99 and are expected to appear in pro shops and Puma stores from the beginning of April.

    “There is simply nothing Nike can do in this situation,” Ricky Fowler is reported to have tweeted over the weekend. “A Rory McIlroy doll? Yeah, good luck with that!”

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